One of the best things I saw on the internet this week was the quote, "Self-love without self-awareness is useless." Yes! This quote has been attributed to Qasim Chauhan and Xochitl Frausto, but I don’t think anyone knows who actually said it. What’s important is that more and more people are moving beyond the narrow perspective of self-indulgence as the only type of self-love.
Indulgence absolutely has its place and time. It feels so good to love yourself enough to embrace opportunities for indulgence without fear. It feels so good to let your belly be full. It feels especially good to share treats with others in a sincere spirit of celebration without any guilt.
But indulgence every day isn't self-love; it's just harmful. We limit the kids to two treats a day unless it is a special occasion. Right now the favorite treats are cookies and fruit snacks. We say, "Treats are good for our happiness but bad for our teeth." If I limit the kids, shouldn't I also limit myself?
I don’t always get self-care right, but when I do it’s usually because I approached it from the perspective of a parent. I look at the ways I take care of the kids, and I try to take care of myself the same way. I act like I'm my own Mama. For me, self-care means self-parenting.
What does that look like in practice? Here are some examples:
Meeting Basic Daily Needs
I serve the kids veggies and remind them to drink water. I send them outside to get sunshine. I remind them that their bodies need to move every day. So self-care looks like eating my veggies, drinking my water, reading a book in the grass, and maybe doing this fun Barre video.
Self-Advocacy
I tell the kids to say, "Stop!" with force and clarity. When someone makes them mad, they say, "Please don't snatch the ball from me." When they're feeling shy, they say, "I don't want to talk right now." So my self-care looks like setting and enforcing my own boundaries. It looks like checking in with myself and then being honest about what I want and what I have energy for.
Rest & Restoration
Babies and Mamas both need naps. We also need to sleep well at night and take time to recharge during the day. For the kids, this looks like time to play individually. They need a break from social pressures. Miss 7 knows she needs time alone, and will take it when she wants it, but the younger kids usually don't push for time alone. It's something that I enforce, just like their other daily needs, because I know it's good for them. I have sympathy for their continued desire to play together. I'm an extrovert, and it's easy for me to forget the importance of alone time in my own life. But I do need time to listen to my own music and rub lotion on my own dry hands and just be still with myself.
Asking for Help
Babies need mama snugs. They need us to bandage their booboos and give them their medicine and take them to the doctor. Who says self-care can't look like leaning on other people? Venting to a friend is self-care. Hugging the husband is self-care. Going to the dentist is self-care. Going to therapy is definitely self-care. Love yourself by letting other people love you.
Self-Acceptance
I point out unique characteristics in the kids and express my delight about them. I love Big Twin's giant ears and Little Twin's cowlick. I love Miss 4's hazel eyes and Mr. 6's outie bellybutton. Miss 7 worries that her hair will turn brown someday. I remind her that her body will change many times throughout her life, but she will always be beautiful and worthy of love. Self-love looks like standing in front of a mirror and complimenting myself. Self-love is reminding myself that my body's capacity for change is amazing.
Self-Improvement
It's my job to help my kids grow and learn and achieve their goals. It's exciting to set a goal, and it's satisfying to achieve a goal. It's the messy middle that mama's here to help you get through. It's my job to remind them that they can do hard things. It's my job to keep pushing them. Sometimes it feels rough, but it's always worth it in the end.
This brings us back to the quote that sparked this whole post: "Self-love without self-awareness is useless." There are things about myself that I need to accept. There are things about myself that I need to change. But if I'm not aware of myself, if I'm not looking inward and then actively trying to better myself, then all my self-love amounts to selfishness.
I will not leave my children defenseless against the chaos of this world. I will teach them the skills they need. I will push them to be better. They will see that they are capable. They will be strong enough to be soft. They will be big enough to be kind.
I am not defenseless here in the chaos. I am learning new skills. I will be better. I am a mother, and I am capable. I am strong enough to choose softness. I am big enough to choose kindness. I just have to remind myself. I just have to keep trying. I just have to keep practicing self-love.
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