I was never good at monogamy. I cheated on almost every boy I dated in high school, and I dated a lot of boys in high school. It wasn't just for cheap thrills, either. I would legitimately develop crushes or sometimes fall in love with multiple people at the same time.
There's a cultural myth that you can't actually love two people at the same time. You really truly only love one of them. This is a guiding principle behind so many romantic comedies and a major plot point in both Gone With the Wind and The Once and Future King, which were big influences on me growing up.
So when I was young and struggling to be monogamous, I fluctuated between distrusting my own feelings (because it's impossible to actually love multiple people!) and believing myself to be broken (because actually loving multiple people isn't normal/acceptable). I was regularly called a slut, and I carried a great deal of self-hate.
At age 16, when I fell in love with my current husband, Rob, I knew right away that he was the one I would marry. He was just exactly perfect for me. But I still struggled to be monogamous with him.
I thought maybe getting engaged would fix me, but I got engaged at 17 and continued to fall in love with other people. I thought maybe I'd stop being such a slut after I got married, but I got married at 18, and I still fell in love with new people all the time. I thought maybe if I had a baby, I would become a Matron Saint of Purity! I had a baby at age 22, and obviously I continued to be my slutty self.
Meanwhile Rob continued to be just exactly perfect for me in almost every way. He was attentive and romantic and supportive of both my basic daily needs and all my dreams.
I would carry on flirtations with people and then cut ties with them once things got too heated, and I would feel immense guilt about this pattern of behavior. When I would try to talk about it with my friends at the time, it was difficult for me to explain that I was definitely in love with my Husband and definitely in love with this other person. I lost friendships over it. Not to mention, cutting ties with someone you are definitely in love with is always agonizing.
Finally, when I was pregnant with the twins at age 23, I asked Rob if we could talk honestly about my feelings for other people. My goal was just to get to a place of self-acceptance. I wanted to stop hating myself for loving other people. Husband was incredibly compassionate. He said, "If you need to be with other people, I can find a way to be ok with that." He's amazing, right?
I had not expected such a generous offer, and I didn't take him up on it immediately. I wanted to be good to him, rather than just take advantage of his kindness. And honestly, I still believed I could figure out how to become good at monogamy. (Maybe if I just talk to my husband about my feelings for other people, then I can calmly stay friends with those other people. Nope, still didn't work.)
Rob and I talked and researched for two years before we actually opened up our marriage. Those conversations were not easy. We had to work through our own insecurities and redefine our values.
In one of my poems (CW: Sexual Violence if you follow that link), I mention my fear that Rob might have felt like he owned me. Of course that wasn't the case, and it was a huge relief to me to receive that reassurance from him.
Rob struggled with the idea of not being "enough" for me, and I felt awful for making him feel awful. One night I sobbed, "I take it back. I only want to be with you. You're perfect. I'm broken. I'm sorry. I'll figure out how to only love you." But Rob responded, "You can't unring this bell." He kept pushing us forward, saying all this hard work would be worth it.
He was right. We've been polyamorous for about 6 years now, and we don't want to go back to monogamy. Our lives are richer because of the intimacy we share with others. Our marriage is stronger, because there is more honesty between the two of us, and because we as individuals are stronger. We are receiving support and fulfillment from multiple sources, instead of relying solely on each other.
Plus we love our giant family, which now includes my Partner and his two biological kids. I'll talk more about that in Part 2!
If you would like more polyamory content, my favorite books about it are The Ethical Slut and Polysecure. My favorite blog post about it is called Casual Love. My favorite song about it is definitely Can't Help But Fly There are a bunch of TED talks about polyamory and a handful of spoken word poems about it on youtube. This one by Olympia People's Mic is pretty fun.
There's a cultural myth that you can't actually love two people at the same time. You really truly only love one of them. This is a guiding principle behind so many romantic comedies and a major plot point in both Gone With the Wind and The Once and Future King, which were big influences on me growing up.
So when I was young and struggling to be monogamous, I fluctuated between distrusting my own feelings (because it's impossible to actually love multiple people!) and believing myself to be broken (because actually loving multiple people isn't normal/acceptable). I was regularly called a slut, and I carried a great deal of self-hate.
At age 16, when I fell in love with my current husband, Rob, I knew right away that he was the one I would marry. He was just exactly perfect for me. But I still struggled to be monogamous with him.
I thought maybe getting engaged would fix me, but I got engaged at 17 and continued to fall in love with other people. I thought maybe I'd stop being such a slut after I got married, but I got married at 18, and I still fell in love with new people all the time. I thought maybe if I had a baby, I would become a Matron Saint of Purity! I had a baby at age 22, and obviously I continued to be my slutty self.
Meanwhile Rob continued to be just exactly perfect for me in almost every way. He was attentive and romantic and supportive of both my basic daily needs and all my dreams.
I would carry on flirtations with people and then cut ties with them once things got too heated, and I would feel immense guilt about this pattern of behavior. When I would try to talk about it with my friends at the time, it was difficult for me to explain that I was definitely in love with my Husband and definitely in love with this other person. I lost friendships over it. Not to mention, cutting ties with someone you are definitely in love with is always agonizing.
Finally, when I was pregnant with the twins at age 23, I asked Rob if we could talk honestly about my feelings for other people. My goal was just to get to a place of self-acceptance. I wanted to stop hating myself for loving other people. Husband was incredibly compassionate. He said, "If you need to be with other people, I can find a way to be ok with that." He's amazing, right?
I had not expected such a generous offer, and I didn't take him up on it immediately. I wanted to be good to him, rather than just take advantage of his kindness. And honestly, I still believed I could figure out how to become good at monogamy. (Maybe if I just talk to my husband about my feelings for other people, then I can calmly stay friends with those other people. Nope, still didn't work.)
Rob and I talked and researched for two years before we actually opened up our marriage. Those conversations were not easy. We had to work through our own insecurities and redefine our values.
In one of my poems (CW: Sexual Violence if you follow that link), I mention my fear that Rob might have felt like he owned me. Of course that wasn't the case, and it was a huge relief to me to receive that reassurance from him.
Rob struggled with the idea of not being "enough" for me, and I felt awful for making him feel awful. One night I sobbed, "I take it back. I only want to be with you. You're perfect. I'm broken. I'm sorry. I'll figure out how to only love you." But Rob responded, "You can't unring this bell." He kept pushing us forward, saying all this hard work would be worth it.
He was right. We've been polyamorous for about 6 years now, and we don't want to go back to monogamy. Our lives are richer because of the intimacy we share with others. Our marriage is stronger, because there is more honesty between the two of us, and because we as individuals are stronger. We are receiving support and fulfillment from multiple sources, instead of relying solely on each other.
Plus we love our giant family, which now includes my Partner and his two biological kids. I'll talk more about that in Part 2!
If you would like more polyamory content, my favorite books about it are The Ethical Slut and Polysecure. My favorite blog post about it is called Casual Love. My favorite song about it is definitely Can't Help But Fly There are a bunch of TED talks about polyamory and a handful of spoken word poems about it on youtube. This one by Olympia People's Mic is pretty fun.
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