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Today was Bad

 My Partner has been in bed all day. He has eaten a banana and a bowl of peas. I hate Chronic Lyme Disease so much. 

We were going to visit his parents tomorrow. Outside with masks on. For the first time in a long time. I had to cancel. I'm just crying and crying. 

I'm thinking about how my family formally rebuked me for loving him. I'm thinking about all the people that claimed to love him and then just left when he was sick. He hasn't been endlessly good to me, but I can't think of anything he's done that's heinous enough to warrant these walls. This separation. This excommunication. What principles are worth a suffering man's isolation? 

I'm thinking about one of my friends who had covid months ago and still has issues from it. I'm thinking about all the other people - all the children - who have post-covid syndrome. I'm thinking about how the people who aren't taking covid seriously do not have a strong enough fear of chronic illness. 

I had been thinking about going back to work. I'd even applied for a few jobs. This always happens when I think about getting a traditional job with a steady income. My partner has a Lyme relapse, and it is so blatantly obvious that I need to be the 9 to 5 Teacher Mommy. I need to be available as a caregiver on days like this. 

This past weekend I was thinking about the cycles of suffering. I was talking to a Beloved about the expectation I have that the suffering will come again. Things had been good for a bit. They'd been genuinely good for my little household, despite the global pandemic. I had excitement and hope for future things. But I also had the expectation that the suffering would come again. 

I wasn't wrong, but anticipating the inevitable doesn't make the inevitable easier when it comes. 

Today was bad. 


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