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Are They All Yours?

Him: How many kids do you have?
Me: 5
Him: Like all 5 are your kids?
Me: What do you actually want to know?
Him: What?
Me: I have 5 kids. They are my kids. Do you want to know how many pregnancies I had? How many births? If some of my kids are adopted? If I breastfed? What do you actually want to know?
Him: *silence*

OK, so I barked at the dude. But he is neither the first nor last person to ask me some variation of the question, "Which of these kids are REALLY yours?" Yo. I just told you. They are all mine.

I cook their meals and wash their pee-soaked clothes. I bandage their scrapes and clip their finger-nails. I zip up their coats and braid their hair. I read with them and play with them and sing with them. I hold them and comfort them. Every. Single. Day.

They call me Mama. All five of them call me Mama. And why shouldn't they? Aren't I doing everything to fulfill that roll?

Look, I'm happy to answer your earnest questions. One woman said, "You're too young to have 5 kids!" I replied, "That's true! Thanks for noticing!" Other people ask the kids ages (7, 6, 5, 5, 4) and then look confused about how a person could have 5 kids in 3 years. I will gladly explain that there's a set of twins in the mix and two kids that I did not birth.

But the insinuation that some of these kids are not mine is not a question asked in earnest. It's an accusation. Your biological kids are your real kids, and you're just pretending to love the other kids. That's what I'm hearing.

Dude, just think about what you actually want to know, and then ask that question. Are some of your kids adopted? Are some of them your step-kids? Do you have a blended family? Did a surrogate birth some of them for you? Please, for goodness sake, ask me any and all of these questions before you ask, "But which kids are really yours?"

And while you're at it, don't ask non-white people where they are really from, and don't ask trans people what their real names are. Kthanksbye.

Alright, I should add that some people would prefer you not ask anything at all. Some parents would like to get through a grocery store trip without any commentary from strangers. This is understandable and should be respected.

I also want to add that the dads get just as frustrated as I do when they are faced with accusations that some of the kids are not really their kids. Husband and Partner are doing daily parenting work, too. Teaching conflict resolution and taking training wheels off of bikes and telling stupid jokes and wrapping these kids in love every single day.

If you could see the way Husband can get Miss 4 rolling with laughter, you would not ask if he was really her dad. If you could see the notes between Partner and Miss 7 that they each have on their desks, you would smile to yourself about the love between fathers and daughters.

When I met Husband, he did not know if he could love a child who was not biologically his. When I met Partner, he did not want a complicated family. But love is not logical. Love is expansive.

We understand that our family looks strange. We get a lot of comments about our family not being real. So we are immensely grateful when people treat us like normal. Affirmations of our family are rare and precious to us. If you have been supportive of our family, I hope you already know how much it meant to us. I hope I already expressed my gratitude.
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